Thoughts of a daughter who’s been left by her biological father.

It’s such a blessing and good to know that a friend of yours has a good relationship with her family, a very good and complete family. At times, I wonder ? How does it feels like to be part of that complete family?

I am a 21 year-old lady who haven’t have any contact with my biological father for almost 16 years now, during that 16 years of struggling mentally and socially. There’s no way my dad left my mind, he’s always the one I am blaming for why everything that has happen to me happened to me. All my setbacks, failures and not being able to have progress was all his fault for not staying beside me. There’s no one who will lift me up when I’m down and almost giving up, there’s no tap on my shoulder whenever i need somebody to lean on, and most especially there’s no congratulatory hugs and kisses for me when I do something great in school or anything.

It was hard to deny that I feel envious whenever my friends was picked up by their father to go home. I wished I also had someone like theirs. I wished I also had someone who’s there whenever I need something for school or even just a single advice that would lift my spirit up in times I’m about to break down. These thoughts also made me do things I shouldn’t have done, because of to much longing and sadness, I’m trying to seek a fathers love on guys whom I think can replace my father’s figure but I ended up getting fooled and all. I just wanna feel the sense of belongingness, I just wanna feel that someone owns me, that someone is scared to loose someone like me but they all make me feel like a nobody, a trash. Trash that’s ready to get into the trashbin for it has no use and purpose anymore.

However, growing up as sign of maturity I guess I’ve realized a lot. I thought that God has purposedly given me this path to walk through because he’s preparing me for something bigger, something I have to face bravely. Like it was a way of telling to me become strong and durable in any challenges he’s gonna give me, to have faith and to do not fear because all the things that’s happening, the agony of not being able to be with my father for the longest time will be payed off the soonest.

The only thing I would promise my future kids is to not let anything that has happened to me happen to them. Will not make them loose their father like mine. I will make their life colorful and very differebt to what i have experienced.